How many is enough?

Four, we always thought. Somehow, that was the number that just resonated for both of us.

Of course, there was a time when we wondered if it might end up being Zero. So, when we were blessed with One, we rejoiced and changed the whole focus of our world to celebrate this gift. Still, even in my joy, I began to long for two. I harbored unkind, secret envy in my heart as friends and family progressed to higher numbers and we could not. It did not diminish my joy over One, who was as perfect as ever. But I didn't feel that our family was perfect.

Then, God did bless us with Two. I felt that I had used up a lifetime of prayers in receiving this second beautiful, perfect gift. Never again would I feel envious, I promised myself and God. As others moved on to larger numbers, I resolved to feel unmuddied joy for them. As some stayed at small numbers and expressed utter contentment, I pretended to agree while inside I could not begin to fathom such a feeling. I looked for the benefits of Two, and rejoiced that I had such blessings.

Then, Genesis 17-18 came to us. We, too, laughed, like Abraham and Sarah once did long before us. God, who may be ever confusing but always giving, chose to give to us when we least expected. And so, we reached Three.

In this last gift, I could hear God's laughter, too. "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" said He. And he delighted in our joy and laughter as we delighted in him, and in our Three.

The time came to pass when after each of the other children, I had become pregnant. I felt twinges of wistfulness, but knew that our Three were a joy beyond reckoning. Then, suddenly, I found myself pregnant again. I spent one wild week: savoring, planning, basking, and ashamedly, crowing. I began to feel that I had done this myself - somehow finally endowed myself with the power to reproduce at will, as it seemed so many around me claimed to always do. My ego was short-lived as I heard the news from the doctor, and spent the next weeks waiting, hurting, crying, emptying.

No need to wait, said the doctor. Try again as soon as you want to. But I was deflated. I longed for another, but would not openly admit to myself or any other that I was trying. I could not set myself up for that defeat and loss again. "What will be, will be." And so, I set about putting it in the past. I built for us a life of Three, and we were truly happy. I found for the first time ever, I began to understand how a woman could reach a point of saying, "We are complete." I planned for the years to come, as the Three grew and could do new things.

Yet still, I knew that the wounds were not healed; merely scabbed over. From time to time, new injury would tear off the scab and reveal the ever-raw flesh underneath. Three was a blessing; I could be happy with three. We had built a good life around Three. But in my darkest moments, I still thought about Four. I thought of Four when the dear friend who was done announced her surprise Four. I thought of Four when the date arrived when I had first hoped she might be born. I marked the anniversary of my mother's death, the day I had planned to redeem with the birth of our beautiful Four. I marked this anniversay amidst the crushing end of what had been a growing, secret, hope that we might be starting a new pregnancy. I thought again of Four when my dear sister-in-law announced Four. Joy and sorrow flow mingled down.

Ridiculous, thought I. We are a good Three. It is time to move forward, make plans, rejoice in our gifts... for our cup runneth over.

And so it was that I could not, would not allow hope to grow, exactly one year after we lost our anticipated Four. When I began to sob and shed actual tears listening to the news on the radio, I pondered menopause. When acne spread across my face like a teenager's, I tried switching soaps.When odd, stretching pains shot through my lower abdomen, I blamed indigestion. But when the all-too-familiar all-day nausea settled in, a very small spark, buried deep in my soul for my own protection, blazed like a bonfire. I knew.

And so, we know not what the future holds. But we know who holds the future. And for now, for whatever reason, the God who laughs with us, for us, around us, is laughing at the sheer lavishness of his gifts to us today. And we begin to plan for our Four.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!